It's Not About Them

"I will never forgive him!"

These were the words that left my mouth more than a decade ago as I sat red-faced with my arms folded in my counselors office. We had been discussing some unresolved hurt I had experienced and when he mentioned the offender by name, he struck a nerve.

In his typical calm and soothing voice he replied, "You know that anger and bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die; when in reality the only person it is slowly killing is you."

At that time I did not want to hear his counsel. There was no way that I was going to let this person off the hook, they did not deserve my forgiveness!

My anger felt justified, my bitterness became a crutch and man did it feel good to verbally lash out, even if only in my head, and destroy the perpetrator who had done me wrong. I felt justified for not granting forgiveness and I convinced myself that it was my right.

Looking back, my friend and counselor could not have been more accurate. My lack of forgiveness and my choice to embrace anger and bitterness led to a slow erosion of my spirit and soul; I was the one who was sipping the poison and slowly dying, even if I was not consciously aware of it.

And I am not alone.

I have met many who have had experiences similar to mine and still others who hold fast to their grudges and as a result find their anger seeps into every aspect of their lives, while their offenders are often oblivious.

Given the destruction and decay that occurs within a person who has an unforgiving heart, it is no wonder that the Bible has at least 125 verses that mention forgiveness and many other passages that allude to the topic.

My biggest issue with forgiveness was the belief that it was giving the other person a pass. That if I forgave them that somehow I would be condoning their actions and minimizing my pain. At least this is the excuse I used to justify my stubbornness.

However, I later came to understanding that my forgiveness was never about them, it was about me.

My granting forgiveness set me free from the bonds of anger. It set me free to live joyfully and whole hearted and it set me free to begin to live a life that acknowledged the pain, but did not allow it to control me and slowly consume me.

In the days of Jesus, many rabbi's taught that the acceptable limit for forgiveness was three times. Peter, the disciple asked Jesus if he should forgive up to seven times - more than doubling the recommended dose is quite impressive.

But Jesus, as He often does, called Peter and us to something greater when He replied, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven".

Unlimited forgiveness, this is how we are to live and if we truly want to LIVE it is something we need to put into practice.

Being the forgiver and the forgiven are two of the most beautiful experiences that I have ever had and it can be the same for you.

My hope and prayer is that if you are holding on, that you will make the choice to let it go and do as Christ has done for us . . . granted forgiveness by His work on the cross.

On The Journey With You,

Carlos

P.S. Beyond the Scriptures, I found this book by Desmond Tutu one of the most profound and helpful books on forgiveness.

This edition was first published in The Life Design Newsletter on LinkedIn.